Am I Crazy?

I think it is common for people to ask "am I crazy to be doing this?" Especially when taking risks. Like, am I crazy to spend years writing a novel that may never be published? But I've never honestly wondered that. I've never questioned the validity of my actions. I only question the sanity of my mind.

I don't think I'm mentally ill, 'cause I don't think I'm sick. I'm just me, and sometimes I do wonder if I'm crazy. I don't ask, "am I crazy for wasting so much time writing?" Instead I wonder, "do all these voiced in my head meen I'm scitofrenic?" I tell myself I'm not nuts often enough that for the most part I believe it. The world has a lot of authors, and they all hear their characters speaking to them. I'm not pscytso, I'm just creative. But then I think, Emily Dickonsin was pscytso so how thin is the line between crazy and crative?

When I look at my family it doesn't reassure me, mainly because when compaired to most of them I'm normal. My uncle Dick was definately crazy. The level of his sanity was never even something worth questioning, clearly the guy was completely insain. He was also an inovative artist that developed a whole new medium. He's been dead for less than a year and there is already an art history book being written about him. He was crazy like Vangouh was crazy, an excentric artist, an insain genius. And it kind of scares me that I see so much of myself in him, or him in me, or whatever.

Dick wasn't ever certified or anything, he was an annonomis crazy I guess. But one of my cousins is certifed. When she was officially diocnosed with OCD and a few other disorders she happily announced, "have you heard the family gossip? I'm crazy." We all knew she was before the doctors made it official, and it simply became a family joke. The certified among the certifiable.

I don't think I'm OCD, not to the point where I could ever be diocnosed with it or anything. But I do have enough crazy traits that when watching TV shows like MONK or movies like AS GOOD AS IT GETS, its a little to easy to see traces of myself in the characters. I'm not 100% crazy, but a lot of the time I feel like I fall farther down the crazy scale than someone who is truly normal. I know that I have a lot of learning disablities and what not, and sometimes I wonder if maybe that is why I'm kind of crazy. Like it's all related and once one part of the brain goes haywire everything gets screwed up. What ever the reason, lately I've been wondering, am I crazy?